I know, I skipped a week. I didn't do any update and not done any other blogging. It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety over the last couple of weeks and I honestly could not be arsed writing a single word.
A lot of stuff has been piling up on me. Being skint, that's the obvious one. I think back to ten years ago and it's like a different age. I had money. OK, I wasn't Jeff Bezos. I was on a decent salary, my debts were low and I didn't have much by way of obligations. A lot of shit happened in between. Becoming a father, getting divorced, taking a job I fucking hate just so that I can be there for my daughter. But it is still hard to believe that the life I lived then and the life I live now were the same.
I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm not materialistic, what I miss was not worrying. I think that is it, really. It's the terror of logging into my bank account. It's whatever bill is coming up the road at me that I have no way of paying. It's having to say no to simple stuff like buying my daughter a £2 toy in a shop because that's how fucking critical my weekly budgeting has become.
That worry really affects me. I think I am one of those people that is naturally prone towards depression anyway but that lack of control, of being unable to manage my own destiny, really brings it on.
I don't know if this is an aspect of being skint but I also don't ever seem to have time. I'm constantly going from one thing to another, school, work, cleaning, cooking, shopping. No matter how organised I try to be I always feel like I am in a serious time debt. There's no let up. Again, when I had money I don't remember being this pressed for time. I don't know why being skint should have any affect. But it does. Just as I have no money, nor do I have any time. That just adds another layer of anxiety on to the depression I've been experiencing.
I think tiredness is a side effect of that lack of time. Whenever I get to a point in the day when everything is done I just want to switch off and zone out. I end up watching shit TV and I fucking hate TV. It's one of my mental state barometers: if I'm watching a lot of TV then you can bet that my happiness level is in the toilet. I am constantly tired and just cannot work up any motivation for things that are not essential to keeping all this going. Blogging is one of them. Seeing friends. Eating right.
I just don't feel like I've been looking after myself. I look grey, my hair is scruffy. I've got a skin abscess on my back that's appeared this week and it's fucking agony. I love to stay fit and I've just been going through the motions. Bare minimum of effort. This is something I need to sort out. I both look and feel like shit at the moment.
February is always a reflective month for me. All the January excitement has burnt itself out and I've fallen back into the same old same old rut. I went to see my parents at the weekend. They are both in their 80's and when I go and see them now it feels very autumnal always. I know their era is coming to an end and I think I've been mourning that for years before it's even happened.
And that also means I've been getting old. I am not where I thought I was going to be at this stage of my life. Going home reminded me of how many dreams and ambitions that I had that I ended up trading for a relationship with someone who, now, I absolutely despise. I chose not to pursue the things I wanted to do because I thought being with this person was more important. And now I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire. So that leaves me wondering what the fuck it was all for.
The ambitions I have now are so unassuming. They are the most unambitious ambitions imaginable. I don't know if they are even dreams or if they are just "making the best" of the situation. There's a file on my laptop with a list of stuff that I "want" to do. But I have no real connection to any of them. The fire I used to feel isn't there for it. I think I'm scared because I know that I'd need to sacrifice to make any big changes in my life.
I think one of my big problems is that I don't treat myself with the same compassion that I treat other people. Am I as skint as I think? Am I really that much of a scumbag? Do I need to be freezing in my house? Do I need to feel like shit? Or is all this just a story I've told myself that I am now starting to believe?
Either way, I know that if I am writing my blog then I've come out of the other side of this blue period. If I am starting to do stuff again and fix stuff and take action then I am on the up-swing.
My mental state is always as cyclic as this. The storm has threatened for a while. Sorry for none of the usual stuff this week. There's no personal financial breakthroughs here. Fuck knows if I've made any savings as I blew my budget with the 500 mile trip to see my parents and with it being school half-term this week as well. What the fuck happened to playing with your friends or watching telly? When did school holidays become this arms race of constantly having to find activities and places to go? That's so ironic, that we have all this opportunity for stuff to do and none of it is as satisfying as simple stuff.
Back to normal service.
No comments:
Post a Comment