I've still not managed to get back into the swing of keeping up the blog. I missed last week's update. I was getting a load of hassle from my ex and just couldn't be arsed doing anything on Wednesday.
I managed to get a little bit of a holiday. I knew I was going to have some free time coming up this week so I've been putting money aside every week just to cover a few days away. Nothing fancy, just a road trip round Scotland. I got myself a little kitty of £120 which covered a couple of nights in hotels and then for the rest of the time I was planning on camping.
Well, that was the plan anyway. The weather was shit and I hadn't counted on all the campsites still being closed until April. So instead of two nights in a tent I had one night in a B&B and called it quits after that. Meant I spent a bit more than I wanted and had to cut the trip short but equally I probably enjoyed that one night (it was in a cosy little pub in the arse end of nowhere) a hell of a lot more than two nights being cold and uncomfortable.
I'm really glad I did it. While I was away I realised I had a little bonus coming: I've overpaid my council tax. I don't know if this is a national thing but where I live the year's tax is divided up into ten payments. I know I've already paid for them throughout the year already but it kind of means you are getting February and March for free. I pay manually rather than by direct debit and I just paid last month's without thinking and have £120 set aside for this month as well. So I actually have a little bit of extra cash to spend.
This was a really nice thing. Instead of constantly being worried about how much I'm spending I can live a little. My tastes are pretty simple so wasn't spending that much anyway. I took my mountain bike and my kayak so once you're somewhere you can use them it doesn't cost any more. I have an English Heritage membership card that also means I can get into Historic Scotland sites for free, too. I can get away with hardly spending anything over the few days. But it was nice that I could go into a cafe for some lunch. One night I pushed the boat out and had sit-in fish & chips! Another night I went for a curry and a couple of beers.
I know this isn't exactly luxury travel but it was fantastic to not have to worry. I didn't have to think: “can I afford to do this?”. For a few days it reminded me of what my life used to be like. I just drifted round, having adventures here and there and then moved on. It's been one of the nicest trips I've had in a long time, didn't cost much and really helped my mental health.
I realised a few things when I was away. I'm reading a book called Civilized to Death by Christopher Ryan. It's basic message is that civilisation is bullshit and that all the problems we face (anxiety, depression, obesity, poverty, etc) all stem from living within the boundaries of civilisation. Ryan presents quite convincing evidence that our ancestors would have lived much happier, healthier and more co-operative lives than we do now. It's really made me question all the bollocks that we get sold as a society. I went into a supermarket for the first time in a week and was overwhelmed by how much processed shit is on the shelves. Sugar and grain and cheap fats. All the stuff about coronavirus, that's a side effect from living in ways that are not how nature intended. Crowded, poor, no separation between us and domesticated animals. It's eye-opening but it's also a bleak view because there is no way out. You can't return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle.
The other thing is how place affects my mental health. When I'm outside, doing stuff, wandering and having adventures, I couldn't give a fuck. I feel great about myself. I like myself, I think I'm funny, good-looking and attractive. But it's when I'm back in “normal” society that the rot sets in. It took me about 10 minutes of being in a big town to feel out of place, lonely and kind of a loser. I guess that's because the values you are forced to live by in these environments make you feel like that. If you aren't a 21 year old, skinny, blonde girl with trendy clothes but are, in fact, a 40-something guy with nothing better to wear than a t-shirt and jeans then your value in that world is pretty low. I guess more and more I am starting to realise that the construct of our world, from social media to the crap we're told to buy, to our politicians in it for gain to the idiots panic-buying toilet rolls, is a big, fat con.
The last thing is realising how disappointing living in the English countryside actually is. I left the city in 2007 to live with my girlfriend who was from a rural area. It sounded ideal. Perfect. Who wouldn't want that? The reality is that for ordinary people, living in rural areas is a massive struggle. In Scotland, there are still areas of genuine wilderness that could pass for Alaska or the wilds of Canada and there are still real communities of people living and working there. But in England those places died decades ago. Where I live, rural towns and villages are just either commuter dormitories or collections of Airbnb cottages. They are no longer communities of people and families who all have some kind of relationship with each other.
I lived in a village that was literally 20 houses strung along a road and a little primary school in the middle of it. I spent a year there and never had a conversation with a single one of my neighbours. I used to see the guy next door every morning. We parked next to each other and left at the same time. I'd say hello to him. Not once did ever look my way. The school had no connection to the village, everyone was middle-aged and their kids were too old to go so all the pupils were from surrounding villages. One day I came out to find my car had been keyed, presumably because I'd parked it where a parent usually dropped his kid off.
Scotland is changing. The communities are starting to get taken over by blow-ins running B&B's and “art galleries” (shops selling over-priced shit) or, worse, holiday cottages. I stopped in a little place I'd first visited a few years ago. It used to be quite lively but now it was dead. As I walked around I noticed every second house had a key-safe by the front door. Fucking Airbnbs.
Anyway, I've kind of been in a good mood today. It's been nice having a day off to sort all the shit out after coming home. I still feel good about myself despite all the panic over coronavirus. I honestly don't know what to feel about it. I want to believe that it's going to be alright but I also know I have a lot to lose. I'm worried for my parents, both in their 80's. It breaks my heart that there is a good chance that I could lose them this year. I'm worried for my daughter. I'm worried for me. And I'm worried for the aftermath. The economy is tanking and there's a good chance this is going to kick off another recession. In many ways, I fear that more than anything. The way I'm feeling I'd be pretty happy with the collapse of society and a return to hunter-gathering. I could survive that wasy.
But it won't be that. It'll be the 2008-onwards financial crisis all over again. I don't know that I could go through that again. I had a nervous breakdown, I came close to suicide and it ended my marriage and that was all as a result of the stress of trying to keep it together in that economic turbulence.
On a macro level, I need to keep a tight rein on my finances again. This week has been nice but it's been a bit of a gift. I need to remember that I'm still financially on my arse. To bring me down to earth the engine management light on my car has just come on. From internet searches, pretty much all the fixes are costly. It could be a £400 fix, it could be a £2000 fix. Just when you think some stability creeps into your life you get reminded of reality.
Not sure where my matched betting is sitting. I need to do a tally. Kind of lost track of my weekly savings so starting that again at zero.
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