On Furlough

I got the phonecall yesterday that I had been expecting for a while. I was told that as of next Friday I would be on furlough. I had work for this week but after that, game over.

I knew it was coming. I'd done fuck all this week and started every day pestering my manager for something to do. I'd be given a simple task and 7.5 hours to do it. I knew when there was no-one chasing it that this was just something so that both me and my manager could pretend I was busy.

It reminded me of the old Bill Hicks gag:

"Hicks! Can't you just pretend to be working?"

"You're paid more than me. Can't you pretend I'm working?"
So it was no surprise. I'd expected it about a month ago so the impact isn't going to be huge. I'd already thought it through in financial terms. It translates to losing £500 a month. I pay £165 into a savings plan which I can cancel and I'm probably spending about a quarter of my monthly budget so that's the £500 taken care of.

There are discretionary things I can cancel as well. I've got Amazon Prime because the free delivery was useful in lockdown but it's £7.99 that can go. I've got £6 for membership of a local nature reserve where I like going birdwatching. I hate to do it but that can go as well as it's shut for the duration anyway. I'm going to hit up my car insurer and see if I can get anything reduced there. Weather is getting milder so I can cut back on heating.

There are lots of things I can do to make this work financially. I can't get worked up about it. I fucking despise this government but surprisingly the Job Retention Scheme is an absolute godsend. And they've extended it to October. So worst case, I've got the summer with my feet up. My line manager says that all the work that was put on hold is coming back on stream in another month or so, we're an NHS supplier so in theory should weather this OK. And if everyone is still in this shit in October then we're all fucked.

The problem is the mental impact. I tried writing this post last night and I just couldn't do it. It hit me hard and I'm still pretty angry about it. I'm really good at my job and I'm really reliable. People ask for me to be assigned to their projects. There's a lot of people there that you honestly cannot say that about. So it is a real slap in the face that I get furloughed and they don't.

And it is ironic because I fucking hate my job. I have no end of things I could fill my time with and just having the break would do my mental health a power of good. But it's just that little, shitty niggle that says "you aren't as good as these people".

I know that's bullshit and that I am just inventing a narrative based on shit that has happened in the past. I have zero evidence that that is the case. I know that the likely explanation is that I am more skilled so more expensive. At the minute, they just need the office equivalent of a labourer. They don't need skilled. So if they get me off the books then it pays for nearly two "labourers". But I just can't shut that voice off that keeps asking "so why aren't they doing it to others? Why is it just you?". And the answer to that is "they hate you, you must be shit at it".

It's my brain fucking with me. I know it intellectually but I just don't feel it on a gut level.

I'm a big fan of Jocko Willink's outlook. I know what he would say. "Good". On furlough? Good, more time to train, more time to learn, more time with my daughter. Losing 20% of your salary? Good, you've still got 80%. You aren't on the dole. There is a big part of me looking forward to what is basically extended paid leave. I keep thinking maybe this is the push I need to start a business. There are a couple of things I could be doing to make a little extra money that I'd have the time to pursue. It'd just be getting some advertising and hoping that the demand was there.

Someone else I am a fan of is Ram Dass, a late American spiritual teacher. Ram Dass had this idea of "becoming nobody". He said that we build up an identity based on all these external things. Our careers, our hobbies, the clothes we wear, the stuff we own. But all of that can be taken away. So who are you underneath it all? Being "somebody" means having all these pointless trappings. Becoming "nobody" is who you really are without all that shit. I know that I hate work so why do I let it define me? This is an opportunity to let go.

We'll see. I'm bouncing along the edge of a depression. It's not how I saw this year playing out. I'm getting older but I don't feel like I'm getting further along the track. The things I'd hoped for like getting out of debt, getting on my feet, starting a new relationship, having more of a life outside of just work and childcare, it feels like they have gone. I wanted to finally put divorce and nearly going bankrupt in the past. What is worse is that it feels like the opportunity is gone. That door has closed and there's nothing on the horizon to get optimistic about. Even wars have an end, this seems to just be the normal state of human life from now on.