Update 1st July 2020

Fucking July.

This blog seems to have turned into me mourning the passing of time every month. As usual, not a lot has happened. I'm coming to the end of my furlough period before starting my new job.

Financially, it has not been any different to normal. I'm 20% down on my income but I'm not spending anything, I'm not going anywhere. I haven't really worried about it but I have made an effort to be a bit more careful.

Over the last few months I've done a single weekly shop. It was coming in around £55 and that was including the essentials plus a few little treats that I felt I could afford because I wasn't doing anything else. But over the last few weeks it was starting to grow, I think it got up to £80 one week.

Why was that happening? I realised I was just thinking "fuck it". I'd see something I fancied and it went in the trolley. I suppose I was guilty of trying to buy/eat my way happy. Now, most of the time I eat really healthily and take a lot of exercise. That is not a product of lockdown, that was just normal life. At the start of lockdown I lost a load of weight and after four weeks I had abs for the first time in my life.

But I had that same "fuck it" attitude after that. I have realised how slack I was getting with my discipline, how apathetic I was becoming. It wasn't just that I was believing I was giving myself treats, I was giving up a little bit. Looking after myself physically and financially was becoming less important as the year disappeared into the fog of nothingness.

I need to do something about that. One thing I need to stop now is my bloated shopping list. I realised that pre-lockdown, when I could just nip to the supermarket at lunchtime for whatever I needed, I was maybe spending less. That doesn't make sense, I should have been spending more because I had less of a handle on how much I was buying.

But I think what happened was that I was buying stuff as I needed it. When I go once a week there is a big element of buying stuff either because I think I need it but don't, I want to be prepared and might not get a chance for another seven days or I pretend "it's a treat". So what I've done is be more organised. I have a whieboard in my kitchen and when I run out of something (or know I'm close to running out) it goes on the board. When I do my shopping list on a Tuesday then only what is on the board goes on the list. I am only buying stuff I am running out of.

I might stick a couple of other things on there if I can make a case for it but the vast majority is replacing what is needed. It has worked for the last couple of weeks that I've been trialling it. It has got my shopping down to normal levels and this week I think I came in about a tenner under my average.

Now that I think about it, that average is just a guess. I think I might start tracking it a bit more accurately so that I actually know what the average is and can relate any drift from that to something specific.

I've been keeping an eye on my savings and what has been happening. I've kept up my monthly payment into the fund during this and I am glad I have. The fund has started to recover and is hovering between 2-3% down which is a lot better than the 25% down it was in March. It's sat at this before for a long time before turning positive. At the start of the year it had climbed to 10% up so I'm not too pessimistic for it long term. I don't need the money right now, depending on what happens in the economy that may change.

Chip has started to make savings for me again. It did £41 in June after doing nothing for all of May and most of April. It's not much but it's stil £260 in the pot. I know it is my money but I doubt I would have been disciplined enough to make the savings on my own.
I'm pissed of with the AA. I took out a car insurance policy with them based on a £40 repayment through Topcashback. The AA declined the payment. Again. This is maybe the third or fourth time I've bought products from them based on generous cashbacks and every single time it has been declined. In total, it's maybe £200 that I've lost out on. So if you use Topcashback then the AA is one to avoid.

That's it for financial stuff. Mentally, I've been up and down. Last week was really shit. I had waves of anxiety about starting the new job and it stopped me from really enjoying this period of paid leave. This is a massive opportunity that I want to make the most of: a month paid to do nothing. But I just could not enjoy it for the anxiety. I kept thinking "I'm running out of time" and it made me either do nothing or fill my day with shitty little insignificant jobs so that I could feel that I was making the most of it. It just left me feeling more and more that I was wasting my time.

I've been a bit more chilled this week. I decided to not do anything, not make a list of jobs to do each day and do what I felt like. It has been much better and I've enjoyed much more of my time at home. There has been the odd day where I felt that I was freaking out. Saturday, especially. I didn't sleep well and woke up tired out. I had my daughter that day and it was hard going. All I wanted to do was find a corner and not do anything I had to think about.

This week has been nicer. I write another blog about the outdoors and places I go and I've finally managed to finish a big piece I've been working on forever. I went out on my bike a couple of times and went for a nice walk yesterday. I've found getting out now and again clears my head. Stuck at home it is easier to disappear into your own mental world. Going out grounds me a bit.

I've found a great channel on Youtube by a woman called Abbie Barnes. She does films about her long distance walks. They are interesting enough but what I really like is that she has a lot of mental health issues that she's really honest about. I've watched a few of her films and really like them. She's in her twenties but I still find them quite relatable.

I'm in a better headspace about starting the new job. A big part of me would love to stay on furlough and just fill my days with stuff I want to do. But considering I've had a month to fill my days with stuff I want to do and not actually managed it then why would another couple of months be any different? And looking at how fast time is passing, October would be on top of me very quickly. In fact, the next few months are going to be critical for anyone on furlough. This is when businesses are starting to have to contribute more and more to the scheme. Free holiday no more. I doubt many companies will keep people on even when they are asked to contribute just a couple of hundred quid a month. we're already seeing big redundancies being announced on a wider scale.

I know I've made a good decision but I'm scared of a lot of things. That I might fuck it up. That I might be shit at it. I might not be able to live up to what they expect of me. And just the general worries about starting anywhere new.

I've got a few days left so will try to enjoy them as much as I can without pressuring myself.